is your mom at the bar?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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