seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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