here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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