Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
