the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
