I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
