Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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