but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
