I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
