If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
