I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
