remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
