I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dear god my vagina.
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