are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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