Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
