I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
