She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
