she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
