I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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