At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
