OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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