My sheets look like a crime scene.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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