She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I see more hoeing in ur future
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
