I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
