when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
