He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
