I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize