Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
