shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
