just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
