I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
