just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
