The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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