I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
