I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
