you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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