the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
