anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
