When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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