She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am midnight drunk by noon
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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