Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
