i dedicated my morning wood to you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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