I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
COCAINE IS GR8
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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