dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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