i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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