I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
