the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
