I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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