My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
