I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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