She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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