he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
