Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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