I smell stomach acid.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
