i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
