Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
