Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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