I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
