morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
