It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
